Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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