The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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