He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
