On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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