Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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