I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
