Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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