I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
