I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
