God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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