I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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