Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
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Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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