i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
