mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
