I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
