So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
