I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
