dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
