He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Randomize
