They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
