We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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