Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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