If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
