I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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