I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
