Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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