At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
