Someone shit on the floor
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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