nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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