I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
