I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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