i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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