I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
