I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
