he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
