I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
