just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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