please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize