Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I need a hoe opinion