Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic