I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
