I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
