Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
