I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
