Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
