Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
