I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
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dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.