You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
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Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka