I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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