I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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