I just threw up on my dentist
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
