I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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