All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
