Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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