Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
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He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
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Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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