when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
