i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Randomize
