just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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