smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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